Tag: Science

Gloop launches new Vampire Repellent spray

The hard-working pseudo-scientists at Gwyneth Paltrow’s health and lifestyle foundation have developed an anti-vampire agent.

Nope, no vampires here

“It was a serendipitous discovery, we were looking at creating a new vaginal douche and had been experimenting with scents based on the odours of celebrities, Gwyneth, Jim Davidson and Piers Morgan as examples.

It must work, have you seen a vampire?

Met Office to reboot Stonehenge in IT upgrade

Met Office plans to upgrade their weather forecasting technology by rebooting Stonehenge.

The current IT system, at Weather Towers, has become obsolete so the Met Office has looked for other cost-effective methods for mis-predicting the weather. At a cost of £1.2B, a new supercomputer is too expensive, hence the Stonehenge reboot.

The stone is wet, it must be raining!

Scientists baffled why 1st Monday in Feb is National Sickie Day

Social scientists at Credulous College are baffled as to why the first Monday in February should be the day most people call in sick. It has become known as National Sickie Day.

Woman Raising a glass
You can stick your dry January…..

Data analysis has revealed that across the country hundreds of thousands of people declare the day a write-off and take to their beds.

I think I’m coming down with something, No, I’ll be alright tomorrow

Greggs to produce Gwyneth Paltrow flavoured muffins

Following the success of her Lady Garden scented candle, Gwyneth Paltrow has announced a partnership with Greggs the Bakers to produce a range of fragrant muffins.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Muff at Greggs
Dive in boys, there is enough for everyone

The muffins will release a scent based on Ms Paltrow’s unique biology and are described as having a fresh, yeasty flavour.

Nom, Nom, Nom I love the taste of muff