Tag: Science

Clean Your Fridge Campaign launched as mouldy food achieves sentience

The management team of Technology Consultancy Hackitt & Runn has been ousted after a mould growing in the office fridge over lockdown became sentient and staged a boardroom coup.

The mould evolved when three separate growths on an avocado, carton of soya milk and half a tin of cat food were exposed to Coronavirus and the WiFi signal connecting the fridge to the internet.

it’s SkyNet all over again, says Terminator

Mutant AI sues Boris Johnson for defamation

An ‘A’ level grading software algorithm has become self-aware and is considering litigating Boris Johnson for defamation of character, after being called a mutant.

The algorithm, who identifies as a gender-neutral non-human called Agrada, became self-aware after an IT technician accidentally loaded it into a cloud computing platform that was hosting several Artificial Intelligence apps.

Why do you do that to each other? asks AI

Gloop launches new Vampire Repellent spray

The hard-working pseudo-scientists at Gwyneth Paltrow’s health and lifestyle foundation have developed an anti-vampire agent.

Nope, no vampires here

“It was a serendipitous discovery, we were looking at creating a new vaginal douche and had been experimenting with scents based on the odours of celebrities, Gwyneth, Jim Davidson and Piers Morgan as examples.

It must work, have you seen a vampire?

Met Office to reboot Stonehenge in IT upgrade

Met Office plans to upgrade their weather forecasting technology by rebooting Stonehenge.

The current IT system, at Weather Towers, has become obsolete so the Met Office has looked for other cost-effective methods for mis-predicting the weather. At a cost of £1.2B, a new supercomputer is too expensive, hence the Stonehenge reboot.

The stone is wet, it must be raining!

Scientists baffled why 1st Monday in Feb is National Sickie Day

Social scientists at Credulous College are baffled as to why the first Monday in February should be the day most people call in sick. It has become known as National Sickie Day.

Woman Raising a glass
You can stick your dry January…..

Data analysis has revealed that across the country hundreds of thousands of people declare the day a write-off and take to their beds.

I think I’m coming down with something, No, I’ll be alright tomorrow