Tag: security

James Bond has his licence to kill revoked

Following a landmark court case, James Bond will have to change the way in which he infiltrates ‘The Baddies’.

The Court’s concern was that under the current rules, Mr Bond could murder, torture and sleep with as many women as he wanted.  There was no legal definition of reasonable behaviour.

The names Bond, James Bond

Desperate Migrants hauled from The Channel and returned to Birmingham

More Migrants have been caught in the middle of the English Channel and have been returned to Birmingham

Today a joint operation between the Police and the Border Force captured three boats full of migrants desperate to flee the UK. The families were taken back to shore, where they were placed in police custody. They are expected to be returned to their homes, in Birmingham sometime tomorrow. Continue reading “Desperate Migrants hauled from The Channel and returned to Birmingham”

Apple sparks security alert at Glasgow Airport

A Squeezy Jet flight to Glasgow caused a massive security alert, after an apple was mistaken for a bomb. All flights were grounded, and the airport evacuated, whilst the emergency services dealt with the unidentified fruit.

There has been previous criticism of the airport’s handling of ‘security incidents’. One terrorist, who tried to drive a bomb laden car into the departure lounge, was beaten up by a passenger. “Anyone coming to Glasgow to blow the place up should feel secure in the knowledge that they’re safe to do so.” said an airport spokesperson. Continue reading “Apple sparks security alert at Glasgow Airport”

Facial recognition system fails to identify MPs, Lawyers & Estate Agents second face

Following installation at major airports, train stations and ports, concerns have been raised at the higher than expected rate of recognition failure in automated face-reader security systems.

The system has a 99.9% success rate when analysing faces from any cultural or racial background and in various light settings. Initially the operators of the system were puzzled as to why a distinct group of people were being rejected by the scanners. Continue reading “Facial recognition system fails to identify MPs, Lawyers & Estate Agents second face”

Whoops! Electronics company lose 10 million customers details – again

The popular computer sales company, Dixons Carphone Warehouse, today admitted that the security password on its customer information database had proved too easy to guess for pesky hackers.

The firm’s spokesman, Will Gates, said “The chap who set the system up in 1994 set the password to “password” and, on reflection, and in this age of people deliberately trying to hack their way into places they have no business, it seems obvious that someone would guess correctly eventually. Perhaps we ought to have changed it to something like “password1” before now.” Continue reading “Whoops! Electronics company lose 10 million customers details – again”