Tag: security

Met Police to teach cops not to get caught being racist

The Met Police is concerned about the high number of online videos showing the Police’s racial abuse of black people. It will now train officers how to not get caught being racist, in the first place.

“We are sorry that middle-class white people are upset by videos showing what it’s like to be black and live in London. Obviously, it would be much better if they hadn’t seen what we get up to.”

The Chief Constable
Wearing a loud shirt, after dark in a built up area

Desperate Migrants hauled from The Channel and returned to Birmingham

More Migrants have been caught in the middle of the English Channel and have been returned to Birmingham

Today a joint operation between the Police and the Border Force captured three boats full of migrants desperate to flee the UK. The families were taken back to shore, where they were placed in police custody. They are expected to be returned to their homes, in Birmingham sometime tomorrow. Continue reading “Desperate Migrants hauled from The Channel and returned to Birmingham”

Apple sparks security alert at Glasgow Airport

A Squeezy Jet flight to Glasgow caused a massive security alert, after an apple was mistaken for a bomb. All flights were grounded, and the airport evacuated, whilst the emergency services dealt with the unidentified fruit.

There has been previous criticism of the airport’s handling of ‘security incidents’. One terrorist, who tried to drive a bomb laden car into the departure lounge, was beaten up by a passenger. “Anyone coming to Glasgow to blow the place up should feel secure in the knowledge that they’re safe to do so.” said an airport spokesperson. Continue reading “Apple sparks security alert at Glasgow Airport”

Facial recognition system fails to identify MPs, Lawyers & Estate Agents second face

Following installation at major airports, train stations and ports, concerns have been raised at the higher than expected rate of recognition failure in automated face-reader security systems.

The system has a 99.9% success rate when analysing faces from any cultural or racial background and in various light settings. Initially the operators of the system were puzzled as to why a distinct group of people were being rejected by the scanners. Continue reading “Facial recognition system fails to identify MPs, Lawyers & Estate Agents second face”