Tag: Showbusiness

Phillip Schofield has come out live on national television

“I just wasn’t being honest with myself, my family and friends, or the public. I’ve known about this for some time now. It’s time to admit to everyone that although I’ve been on television for 27 years, I’ve contributed nothing of any significant cultural value.

I admit it, I’ve done nothing of any cultural value in 27 years on TV!

ELO’s Jeff Lynne Is Excited To Be Returning To His Alien Homeworld

ELO frontman and Intergalactic high-priest Jeff Lynne has revealed that sales from his new album, From Out Of Nowhere, will help to fund him rebuilding his spaceship.

“I’ve had it out the back garden since the seventies and I’ve tried calling the AA a couple of times but they’re not interested cos it’s not got wheels,” Mr Lynne told us. “So, now I just keep it outside and store my bikes and patio furniture in it, unless of course we’re using it for album artwork.”

Mr Blue Sky is heading back to his home world

The Nobel Prize for Sciencing goes to Gwyneth Paltrow for Gloop

The world of science and academia was stunned when the Nobel Prize for sciencing was awarded to Gwyneth Paltrow and her company, Gloop. The prize was awarded for their improvements to the scientific process, by making stuff up and not testing it to see if it works.

Many in sciencing thought the prize would go to someone who actually practised scientific methodology, contributed to the greater good, and added to humanity’s body of knowledge.

You couldn’t make it up!

Newly Discovered Beatles Tape Reveals Sinister Soviet Conspiracy

After years of conspiracy theories surrounding Sir Paul McCartney’s replacement at the height of The Beatles’ musical dominance, a newly discovered tape from the Abbey Road days finally explains that Paul McCartney never actually existed.

Todd Cunningham, a between-employment Beatles aficionado discovered these secret tapes at a car boot sale in Purley last weekend and was immediately amazed to discover that The Fab Four themselves never actually existed. Cunningham reveals that The Beatles were actually eighteen Russian spies, two monkeys and a time-travelling Noel Gallagher.

bACK IN THE ussr!