The national rail service is in chaos due to an unexpected burst of sunny weather. Services as far north as Scotland have been badly hit by the rise in temperatures.
Ian Napton “We were taken completely by surprise. No-one expected warm sunny days in June, July and August. We had prepared for overcast skies, mild drizzle and a general sense of despondency. The rail network just can’t cope with sunshine.”
In a refreshing burst of honesty Southern Rail has decided to rebrand itself as Southern Buses.
Company Spokesman, Ian Napton explained, “It’s more reflective of our operation and how it works. We run far more buses than trains, the fact that we are charging full train fares for a bus journey makes it an immensely profitable business for us.” Continue reading “Southern Rail to be more accurately renamed as Southern Buses”
With Brexit around the corner, Southern Fail have announced commemorative fare increases, effective from 11.50pm on 29 March.
Ian Napton, a company spokesman explained, “It’s all down to Brexit, I’m afraid. The company’s policy was that if we voted to leave the EU, fares would have to rise for the sake of the network’s financial stability in what will be an uncertain period. Whereas if we had voted to remain in the EU, fares would have had to have risen by the same amount due to the amount of Corporation Tax we pay which is then sent to Brussels on the Eurostar. We’re sure that commuters will understand that they voted for this fare increase.”
Continue reading “Southern Fail announce commemerative Brexit fare increase”
Southern Rail says it has been forced to cancel some existing services and delay some trains due the unforeseen winter snow falling in the North of Scotland.
Ian Napton, a spokesperson for Southern Rail explained, “I know it seems unlikely, but the sudden and unexpected snow in the North of Scotland causes tremors in the rail network web, these ripples cast out like ripples in a pond, and eventually leading to disruption to train services in the far south of the country.” Continue reading “Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland”
Southern Rail commuters witnessed outrage this morning, when a millennial was asked to move their bag from the seat, on a packed train.
Although Joshua Woods was already sitting comfortably, Ian Napton inexcusably demanded that he ‘shifted’ the offending bag. Continue reading “Millennial expresses outrage on Instagram after being asked to take his bag off a seat on a busy train”
As Southern Rail’s beleaguered customers quietly fume at yet another fare increase in return for ever poorer service, the company’s ‘Managers’ have come up with a cunning plan.
Following a recent trip to India, Senior Manager Ian Napton was impressed with the effectiveness of Indian Rail’s external seating class. It effectively doubled the capacity of each train, at no extra cost to the company. Continue reading “Southern Rail to introduce External Class rail travel in a bid to reduce train over crowding”