In the modern era of high-quality online news websites, The Daily Mail has finally announced its imminent closure.
“We haven’t printed any truthful news for nearly thirty years,” said Deputy Editor, Ian Napton. “Nobody here could accept how The Conservative Party treated Margaret, and our hearts haven’t quite been in it ever since. We run stories about house prices, cancer, immigrants, The Royal Family and the EU because people expect us to, but truthfully, I pay my twelve year old daughter a fiver a week to write those.” Continue reading “RIP – the lion hearted champion of truth, decency and traditional, white, middle-class values, that was The Daily Mail”
Reports are emerging that The Duke Of Edinburgh’s recent car crash may not have been an accident, and may not even have been the Old Man’s fault.
An investigation into the Land Rover’s service history has found that the vehicle received attention to its brakes only the day before at Spencer’s of Northamptonshire and that the technician assigned to the work was GOD. Continue reading “Is the Ghost of Diana working as a motor mechanic? Did she sabotage the Duke’s car?”
Whitehall sources have confirmed that plans originally drawn up during the Cold War to evacuate the Royal Family out of London in the event of nuclear attack have been “repurposed” in anticipation of civil unrest after a No Deal Brexit.
Ian Napton, a Whitehall spokesman, said, “We’re all set to smuggle The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh out of town if we need to. Their destination is, of course, top secret.” Continue reading “Plans are afoot to move the Royal Family out of London if summer rioting breaks out”
A constitutional crises has erupted following the latest series of “Who the f**k r u?”, the programme investigating the ancestry of celebrities; in search of scandal, title tattle and giving them a chance to act like they care about people they’ve never heard of.
During the latest series it transpired that Danny Dyer was a direct descendent of Edward III. It appears there was confusion about bloodlines during the time of Beseechious the Unfortunately Named and the wrong royal bloodline took over. Continue reading “Ancestral history programme reveals Danny Dyer is next in line for the throne, All Hail King Dan”
Managing to avoid killing himself or anyone else, Prince Philip made a pigs ear of the Bird Box Challenge, after his Land Rover careered into a Ford Kia.
It’s believed that Phil and Liz watched the hit Netflix horror movie on the night before the accident. They like to keep abreast of modern trends, and had noted the Bird Box Challenge was popular on the Internet. Continue reading “Prince Philip crashes his car doing the Bird Box challenge”
HMV’s administrators have come up with a cunning plan to help save the beleaguered retail chain. With the assistance of the Government, HMV will now be selling gongs, medals, peerages, £14 Million Ferrying contracts and Ministerial access.
Ian Napton, of VR Administrators, explained, “We had the idea when the story broke about the government selling off peerages to try and get Theresa May’s Brexit deal through Parliament.” Continue reading “HMV’s Grift Voucher Scheme will sell peerages, financial favours, ferrying contracts and government influence as part of a daring rescue plan”