Tag: Theresa May

Following the abysmal performance of the England Cricket Team, in the West Indies, Theresa May has cancelled their right to return under Operation Winless

Keen cricket fan, Theresa May, was so disgusted at the performance of the England Team, following their thrashing on their West Indies tour, that she has cancelled their right to return.

A government spokesperson, Ian Napton, explained, “She got the idea from Operation Windrush, where we deported British Citizens to the West Indies. In this case she thought we could save on the cost of flying them out there, if we just stopped them from returning.” 
Continue reading “Following the abysmal performance of the England Cricket Team, in the West Indies, Theresa May has cancelled their right to return under Operation Winless”

The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay has gone missing. Please search garden sheds, outbuildings and anywhere a vulnerable MP can build a den. Let’s get him home.

An urgent appeal has been launched across to try and find missing Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay.

He was last seen entering 10 Downing Street on 16th of November, 2018. After a short press conference where his appointment, as Brexit Secretary, was announced, he left the building and has not been seen or heard from since. Continue reading “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay has gone missing. Please search garden sheds, outbuildings and anywhere a vulnerable MP can build a den. Let’s get him home.”

P&O relocate to Cyprus after finding out the Chris Grayling will be in charge of cross channel ferry services

P&O have announced that they will be registering their cross channel ferries under a Cypriot Flag of Convenience.

They’ve decided to change fleet registration after finding out that Chris Grayling, Minister for Transport, will have responsibility for Cross Channel ferry services once Britain leaves the EU, on 29 March 2019.  Continue reading “P&O relocate to Cyprus after finding out the Chris Grayling will be in charge of cross channel ferry services”

In Dear Barbary this week, Theresa feels unloved and unsupported at work, should she consider a career change?

Dear Barbary,

I don’t seem to have many friends any more. I used to have, but now everyone says they don’t like me.

I’ve lost all confidence at work, too. My job seems so difficult, no one supports anything I do and I’m wondering if I should look for something else. Several of my old colleagues say that after-dinner speaking is lucrative so I might dress up my cv a bit and throw my hat in the ring for that.

Some people say I’m stubborn but I say I’m just standing my ground. I’m strong and stable.

What do you think might have happened to make my friends desert my side?

Yours sincerely,

Theresa. Continue reading “In Dear Barbary this week, Theresa feels unloved and unsupported at work, should she consider a career change?”

EU to clarify Theresa’s Withdrawal Agreement by speaking slowly and loudly

Following repeated visits, by Theresa May, to Brussels to try and find some clarification of The Withdrawal Agreement the EU has agreed to try and help.

One EU spokesperson said, “The EU are not going to re-negotiate the agreement. It has been a long torturous process, made all the more difficult by us sticking to all the points we clearly set out as non-negotiable 2 years ago. We are not doing it again. Always Theresa is coming back with, can we change this? can we change that? Well, NO YOU CAN’T.” Continue reading “EU to clarify Theresa’s Withdrawal Agreement by speaking slowly and loudly”

Decoded radio signals from across the Galaxy reveal Aliens hidden message, “Brexit, ffs, will you just get on with it”

Scientists have picked up mysterious radio signals from across the other side of the galaxy. Using some pretty sophisticated software, cryptographers from The Dan Brown Academy, working with top astrophysicists, have decoded the message.

It reads, “Dear Humanity, we’re sick to the back teeth of Brexit, either leave or stay but stop dragging it out, ffs just get on with it.” Continue reading “Decoded radio signals from across the Galaxy reveal Aliens hidden message, “Brexit, ffs, will you just get on with it””

The Chatty Chimp is owned and operated by Chattychimp Ltd