Tag: Tory

As Theresa’s last day at work approaches, Downing Street staff ponder ideas for a suitable leaving gift

Bye Theresa, don't let the door hit you on the way out

As a bicycle rack is installed outside 10 Downing Street and a taxpayer-funded padlock is being wrapped as a welcome gift for the new Prime Minister, staff are preparing to say their farewells to Theresa May.

Ideas are being considered for what would constitute a suitable farewell gift, and a suggestion box has been left in the hallway, just behind the famous black front door, where all staff can discreetly leave suggestions.

What should we say?

Climate protestor tested positive for Banana and Salted Caramel Milkshake

Milkshake testing

A Conservative MP has been praised for saving dozens of fatcat bankers from a potential milkshaking.

The protestor who burst into the bankers’ dinner party was later found to have minute quantities of ‘a dairy-related substance’ on her hands and clothes, indicating she had recently been in the presence of milkshake, or a similar deadly weapon such as yoghurt.

Do You want some? Do you?

Tory MP Mark Francois revealed to be a Ninja Assassin

Fat Ninja

MP and Toy Soldier Mark Francois has been publicly outed as a secret Ninja. Mark’s alter ego was revealed when he publicly announced that he had signed a death warrant on an Anti-Brexit campaigner.

It’s long been supposed that Mark was no stranger to silently delivering death, having previously admitted peeling potatoes on a Territorial Army camping trip to Wiltshire. What surprised onlookers was that he was so versed in the most covert and feared of the martial arts.

You WANT sOME?

As Tory leadership candidates are revealed the country cries “Please stay, Theresa!”

Bye Theresa, don't let the door hit you on the way out

The 67.3 million people who are not members of the Conservative Party have announced that  “it’s OK, Theresa can continue as Prime Minister, after all.”

The Tory Beauty Parade has turned out to be quite ugly, hasn’t it?” said Ian Napton, a commuter at Waterloo Station. “When the choice boils down to a bunch of drug users and c****, and all of them make you want to punch them in the face really hard, you suddenly start to see a positive side to Theresa May, don’t you?” Continue reading “As Tory leadership candidates are revealed the country cries “Please stay, Theresa!””

Tory leadership candidate admits they’re now just ‘making up any old sh*t’

Stop making sh*t up

In a surprise twist, prospective Tory Leader, Ian Napton has admitted that the candidates are in the ‘making up any old sh*t’ phase of the campaign.

We’ve reached the stage where everyone has heard everything we have to say, so to keep the publicity band wagon rolling we have to make up evermore outrageous sh*t. We’ve always got to go one better than the last guy, that’s why we are now saying things like; I’ve taken blow, speed, cocaine, heroin, paracetamol and echinacea, one candidate even admitted drinking a G&T on the tube.Continue reading “Tory leadership candidate admits they’re now just ‘making up any old sh*t’”

The Chatty Chimp is owned and operated by Chattychimp Ltd