Tag: Tory

DWP Punishments revised to include lines, fagging and giving up teddy

Punishment with lines and a cap

The Government are to soften their hard-line punishment of benefit claimants.

Benefit claimants faced serious financial penalties for minor infractions of the system. This led to people calling the Government some very nasty names. Stung by this criticism, and faced with a General Election, the cabinet have decided to relax the rules. Continue reading “DWP Punishments revised to include lines, fagging and giving up teddy”

The Conservative Party gives itself indefinite leave to remain in power

Conservative Party Leader

The Government, has announced that it can never be replaced. Propped up by The DUP, The Conservative Party will have an indefinite crack at running the country.

Ian Napton, a Tory spokesman, speaking from Central Office, said, “Voting again at a future General Election would be undemocratic and destroy the country’s faith in politics. The people voted at a General Election in 2017 for these Members of Parliament and to do anything to try to change that would be to go against the will of the people. They’d never forgive us.” Continue reading “The Conservative Party gives itself indefinite leave to remain in power”

Pro Brexit ‘Go Slow’ protest on the M62 backfires as journey times speed up

Pro Brexit Traffic Jam

A Pro Brexit public protest has received massive, and unexpected support, from millions of people in the North West. 

Brexiteers arranged a ‘Go Slow’ on the M62. The idea is that they would form up into lines, across the carriage way and drive along at a steady forty miles an hour, thereby holding up all the traffic. This was supposed to send a signal to Parliament that ‘The People’ would not tolerate a delay to Brexit.  Continue reading “Pro Brexit ‘Go Slow’ protest on the M62 backfires as journey times speed up”

Margaret Thatcher to be resurrected on Easter Sunday

Margaret Thatcher Funeral procession

Church of England officials are horrified at the Conservatives latest parliamentary bill; proposing to bring Easter forward, in a bid to resurrect Margaret Thatcher.

With hope fading fast for a satisfactory end to the Brexit shit-shamble, this radical plan seems the only option. The exhumation of the Iron Lady seems the only way to rekindle the belief of the Tory Faithful.
Continue reading “Margaret Thatcher to be resurrected on Easter Sunday”

A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics

With absolutely no medical or scientific expertise Stephen Hammond, the Health Secretary, has pioneered and new, common sense mental health therapy, which has achieved stunning results, at low cost and in a very short space of time.

With pioneering advancement, the ‘Conservatives Universal Natural Therapy’, leans towards a common sense approach. Patients are told to ‘lighten-up’, ‘look on the bright side’, ‘be positive’ and ‘pull yourself together’. Additionally, all patients are given a free copies of Monty Python’s ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life‘ and ‘Suicide is Painless’ the theme tune to M*A*S*H. Continue reading “A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics”

David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB

David Davis, the former Brexit Secretary and Army Cook, has dispelled rumours that he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job with the excavating behemoths JCB.

Critics were surprised by the appointment as there was little evidence that suggested he knew the difference between his arse and a hole in the ground. In fact he seemed to have difficulty finding his arse with both hands.  Continue reading “David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB”

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