Tag: Tory

A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics

With absolutely no medical or scientific expertise Stephen Hammond, the Health Secretary, has pioneered and new, common sense mental health therapy, which has achieved stunning results, at low cost and in a very short space of time.

With pioneering advancement, the ‘Conservatives Universal Natural Therapy’, leans towards a common sense approach. Patients are told to ‘lighten-up’, ‘look on the bright side’, ‘be positive’ and ‘pull yourself together’. Additionally, all patients are given a free copies of Monty Python’s ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life‘ and ‘Suicide is Painless’ the theme tune to M*A*S*H. Continue reading “A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics”

David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB

David Davis, the former Brexit Secretary and Army Cook, has dispelled rumours that he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job with the excavating behemoths JCB.

Critics were surprised by the appointment as there was little evidence that suggested he knew the difference between his arse and a hole in the ground. In fact he seemed to have difficulty finding his arse with both hands.  Continue reading “David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB”

Tory leadership challenge to use cage fighting to determine the Ultimate FC

Ina  radical re-modernisation the upcoming Tory Leadership Contest is to be decided by cage fighting with the winner becoming the ‘Ultimate Fu**ing C**t’.

Standard UFC Rules apply; no hair-pulling, scratching, name calling, although back-stabbing is mandatory. The winner is the last FC standing. Continue reading “Tory leadership challenge to use cage fighting to determine the Ultimate FC”

Tory MP proposes letting children fight for lunch time food

A crisis has erupted in East Midlands Schools, after a local councillor suggested the need for a major overhaul of their policy on school lunches.

I really feel” said Councillor Iain Lloyd-Dudley, a woolly minded, Guardian reading Liberal, “that it’s about time we seriously considered offering the children some healthy, nourishing food during the day.” Continue reading “Tory MP proposes letting children fight for lunch time food”

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