Tag: Tory

Saj The Maj wowing audiences with his Magic Money Tree act

Rabbit form a hat

Britain’s newest and most up-and-coming magician is wowing them in the Shires and Backbenches. Not since the legendary Paul Daniels had Britain seen a trick like this one.

Known as Saj The Maj, he’s magically finding money for everyone, so his act is terribly popular. “Old magic doesn’t set pulses racing any more,” he told us. “Sleight of hand has been seen through. It’s just basic dishonesty when you strip the Manifesto policy wordings away, and people want more. Previous magicians have exhausted the old ‘pulling a rabbit out of a hat’ routine, too, so I needed something new. I looked at this old tree in the garden at the back of my new house and thought, hmm, a money tree. The previous bloke who lived here talked a lot about money tree policy, and now I understand what he was on about. I’ve built my act around it.”

Roll Up! Roll Up!

Boris Johnson signs on as a writer at The Chatty Chimp

Boris Johnson

Here at The Chatty Chimp we are delighted to announce the journalistic coup of the week. We’ve managed to sign Boris Johnson as a writer on our little paper.

It wasn’t easy getting Boris to give up his £275,000 per year column at the Daily Torygraph, but the offer of free peanuts, bananas, tea, his own tyre swing and the promise of first crack at the new interns did the trick.

lEGE pLUS!

Boris wins leadership vote after his friends get extra ballot papers

Boris Johnson

Damning evidence of how low Boris Johnson will go to become the next Prime Minister came to light today when it was confirmed that all of his friends have each had an extra thousand ballot papers issued to them.

Reminiscent of Baldrick’s election to The Commons at the Dunny-On-The-Wold By-Election, when Blackadder voted for him 16,472 times to properly express his true level of support for his candidate, Boris was of the view that a few thousands of extra votes from his closest chums wouldn’t go amiss. Alas, his plan was foiled when his Old Etonian pal, Tristan Farquhar-Smith, spilled his Dom Perignon on his batch of ballot papers and asked for “a few thousand more.”

Here, Here!
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