Tag: Tory

Boris sends his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire

Boris Johnson has sent his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire deal with their damp problem. Accused by his political opponents of doing more to help flood victims in Bangladesh than helping the people of South Yorkshire, immediate action was required.

Following today’s Cobra meeting the cabinet debated which Government Emergency Response would play best with Tory Voters. As Jacob Rees-Mogg said “Well as far as I can see it was entirely their own fault for living in Northern Labour constituencies. Some people are too stupid for their own good, if they had used their common-sense they would have left in their boats. If they can’t even help themselves, what’s the point of us trying to help? There’s no upside to throwing way money.”

Rain Rain go away, come again another day

Sky News Office Chair To Run In General Election

After appearing on Sky News this week, huge public support has inspired a local office chair to run for the General Election.

Alan Whickham-Smythe, the IKEA office chair and employee of Sky News, has announced that it will be running for the Independent “Oh sit down, Oh sit down, Sit down next to me” Party in the election following its starring role on the news when prominent Tory MP James Cleverly failed to sit on it. Instead, Whickham-Smythe has vowed to provide support for the country in any way possible with its two-armed swivel approach to politics.

Clearer than the Lib Dems, less offensive than The Tories and not Jeremy Corbyn. Vote Chair!

The Conservative Party Apology Template (GE19 Edition)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make another public apology.

Unfortunately, they’ve made me make an unreserved apology to all those people that are not supporters of the Tory Party. It seems they are easily offended, I don’t know why, it was just a bit of bants.

But I didn’t mean it (Fingers Crossed)

“Sorry, forget my own head next” says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Advance briefing is everything for politicians dashing from one interview to the next in the run-up to an election, and Jacob Rees-Mogg understands that better than most.

Rushing into one radio interview, he was armed only with the rationale that leaving is common sense and that people should ignore advice to remain. All good and all on-message so far. The tired old Leave vs Remain argument. An easy interview to head into.

I’m a silly old nuggins says JRM

Tory wins seat after saying “Benefit claimants should be put down!”

Opponents of Tory General Election candidate Francesca O’Brien have given up hope of being elected.

Lib Dem candidate, Ian Napton, told us, “What chance do we have against this sort of Tory talent. She goes around saying benefits claimants need to be put down and shameless Tories everywhere will come out and vote for her. It’s just the kind of bigoted nonsense every Daily Mail reader wants to hear. She’ll get a massive majority. There’s really no point in me standing against her.”

Daily MAIL HAILS NEW QUEEN