Tag: Train travel

Scottish commuter goes ballistic as idiot blocks ticket barrier at tube station

A normal human being has been arrested outside of Gunnersbury Tube Station after threatening to murder everyone for walking too slowly.

Tom Merton, (25) from Glasgow, was apprehended by the British Transport Police when slow-walking Londoners made him eight seconds late for his District Line service. The normal-speed-walking Glaswegian lost his temper and kicked one of the automatic ticket barriers when the business executive in front of him decided to stop to make sure his accounts were in order over his Bluetooth headset.

Get a ‘kin move on, you tube!

Train service in chaos due to the unexpected arrival of summer

The national rail service is in chaos due to an unexpected burst of sunny weather. Services as far north as Scotland have been badly hit by the rise in temperatures.

Ian Napton “We were taken completely by surprise. No-one expected warm sunny days in June, July and August. We had prepared for overcast skies, mild drizzle and a general sense of despondency. The rail network just can’t cope with sunshine.”

All Aboard!

£20,000 train ticket after Prince Charles used GWR’s On-Line booking site

The Royal Household’s annual budget came under scrutiny yet again today after it was revealed that the Prince of Wales had spent £20,000 on a train journey from London to Port Talbot.

It is understood that where the Prince would ordinarily allow his Private Secretary’s team to take care of such mundane matters, he was intrigued to have a go at booking a train ticket online himself, with expensive consequences.

One does ones best!

Facial recognition system fails to identify MPs, Lawyers & Estate Agents second face

Following installation at major airports, train stations and ports, concerns have been raised at the higher than expected rate of recognition failure in automated face-reader security systems.

The system has a 99.9% success rate when analysing faces from any cultural or racial background and in various light settings. Initially the operators of the system were puzzled as to why a distinct group of people were being rejected by the scanners. Continue reading “Facial recognition system fails to identify MPs, Lawyers & Estate Agents second face”

Chris Grayling accidently awards the £33 million freight handling contract to Thomas the Tank and The Fat Controller

Last week the Department of Transport publicly admitted they’d made a mess of post Brexit freight handling plans. Many were puzzled as to why the breakdown of the freight contract with a ferry company with no boats, should result in the need to pay £33 million to Eurotunnel, a train operator but hey! that’s politics for you.

Just when things couldn’t get any worse for Chris Grayling, Transport Secretary, it’s transpired that following an administrative mix up, the £33 million contract was given to Island of Sodoff Railways rather than Eurotunnel. Continue reading “Chris Grayling accidently awards the £33 million freight handling contract to Thomas the Tank and The Fat Controller”