Tag: USA

Donald Trump to buy the Isle of Wight

As part of a dynamic, free trading post Brexit world the UK government has decided to seize on Donald Trump’s love of islands by offering to sell him the Isle of Wight

The President recently tried to buy Greenland but was rebuffed. Knowing that he had cash to burn the burghers of Whitehall decided they could help restore the government finances by selling the island to the USA.

Trump whiteland

Trump says ‘Hey guys! these shootings aren’t cool’

What? What do you want me to do?

President Trump has caused widespread alarm again, this time on his own doorstep.

Following two high profile mass shootings in Texas and Ohio, the President’s language lurched at first towards cautious common sense and then to the actual bleeding obvious. “Perhaps more has to be done” he ventured, before going the whole hog, saying, “This has been going on for years, for years and years in our country and we have to get it stopped.

Bang Bang

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (The: school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre) in (state/town/city)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting(s) at (insert location/s)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably a Muslim, wasn’t he?

We shouldn’t have to keep publishing this!

Pound now the world’s worst performing major currency

Day Trader selling the pound

Economists are wailing as the Pound continues to plummet against every other currency in the world. 

Ian Napton, a currency trader, told us, “I don’t even need my lucky coin toss for this one. I just bet on the Pound going down and collect my winnings at the end of the day.”

The Pound is now officially the worst performing major currency in the world over the past 24 hours, over the past month, over the past three months and over the past year, an achievement Michel Barnier couldn’t have conjured up in his wettest of dreams.

Find out more about pobble beads, here!

Ambassador offended at being called stupid by idiot

The only man to tell even a shred of truth in the modern political world has resigned.

Sir Kim Darroch, formerly the UK’s Ambassador in Washington, had reported back to the Foreign Office that the Trump White House might never be seen as competent, confirming the views of about seven billion casual observers, but due to this confidential report being leaked, he was forced to resign. 

He called me what?

President is inept claims Ambassador but Trump says he’s never been there!

Donald Trump denies being in Ept

Donald Trump has responded to accusations, contained in an email sent by Britain’s top diplomat, that he is inept.

In a tweet, The President explained that he wasn’t in Ept, furthermore he had never been to Ept, he’d never heard of Ept and it was the last place he would ever ‘fuckin’’ go, he doesn’t even like pyramids. Before adding that this appears to be more Fake News, designed to put him ‘in Dutch’ with his wife.

Fake News, fAKE nEWS screams baby
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