two men in a pub

Weekend ruined after two mates meet up for ‘a quick one’

Ian Napton hadn’t seen his mate Andy for a while, so they agreed to meet for ‘a quick one’ after work. Both assured family, friends and work colleagues that they’d just meet up for an hour, have a couple of pints befroe heading home to enjoy a busy weekend with their families.

Gillian Napton takes up the story “They turned up at four in the morning, completely legless. Ian was hungry so he tried to make cheese on toast, he ruined the grill, trashed the kitchen and set off the fire alarm. The prats then fell asleep watching Bullseye re-runs. If he says, ‘Here’s what you would have won!’ one more time I’ll swing for him. A quick one my arse! they’ve spoiled the whole family’s weekend.”

Neanderthal Skeleton undergoing an ATOS interview

Neanderthal declared fit to work by ATOS

Neanderthal, Jan Naptonmann, was declared fit for work after ATOS undertook an ‘At Home’ inspection of the 150,000  year old, Welsh resident.

Although, the DWP acknowledge his wide range of health problems, they say they aren’t a barrier to him getting a job. The Inspector feels withdrawing benefits would give Jan the motivation he needs to find employment.

Middle classes empathise with the poor after paying £250 for a seat at the theatre

The lavish hit west-end musical; The Poor, Poor Waitress on Benefits, has received unanimous acclaim for is portrayal of a young woman in an inner city, working 70 hours a week on minimum wage whilst trying to raise her pet Chihuahua.

The middle classes have praised its gritty unflinching realism, of a life without avocado and poached quails eggs for breakfast.

Meet Jonah Napton, Britain’s most redundant man. He’s been let go seven times

Jonah Napton has the unenviable record of being Britain’s most redundant man.  In what some are calling “an unbelievable run of bad luck”, Jonah has been let go 7 times. The latest on the last in first out principal.

The first time it happens, you kind of accept it as ‘just one of those things’, the second time feels a bit unfair but when it keeps on happening you start to think, ‘Is it me?” said Jonah.