Protestors protesting about Protest Marches run into counter protest

Protest protestors protesting

Protestors were out in force, in Central London, in protest at the number of protest marches being held in the city.

The campaign started after the latest protest march caused some inconvenience to city folk. Londoners decided they had had enough, and formed their own protest group. Shortly afterwards, they took to the streets, in a largely peaceful protest. Continue reading “Protestors protesting about Protest Marches run into counter protest”

St Bastard’s Comprehensive closed when Religious Studies students attempted to re-enact the Crucifixion

St Bastards crucifixion

St Bastard’s Comprehensive in Whitchurch, Shropshire, faced emergency closure today after Religious Studies students attempted to re-enact the Crucifixion as a part of their coursework.

Ian Napton, the tutor, found himself being hoisted up on to a cross brought specially into class by two of the stronger boys. “At first, I played along, but when I saw the little bastards had real nails, I screamed ‘Jesus Christ!’ at the top of my voice. Fortunately, Miss Minors, the History teacher in the classroom next door intervened, for which I am eternally grateful, although I could have done without her telling the class that my lessons are fictional while hers are factually proven.”

The class had enlisted the help of their friends in Woodwork to build the cross. “We sit through this shit twice a week,” complained student Jayden Goodchild. “We wanted to see if the stories have any substance to them.

A spokesman for the Board of Governors played down the incident. “This morning’s incident has been overstated in much the same way that last week’s collaboration between Chemistry and History students seeking to recreate Nazi gas chambers was. St Bastard’s prides itself on bringing history to life.”

Qatar’s bestselling book is ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’

how to beat your wife

Qatari Sociologist, Basher Al Hardah’s academic treatise ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’ is at the top of the Arab Times best seller list. The handy guide, with its’ simple easy to follow pictures, has proved popular with cowardly, mindless, insecure thugs and the religious.

Basher argues that when applying a beating, it’s important the woman feels the man’s strength and understands his masterfulness. He explains that science has shown this to be the will of God. A half-starved 10th Century goat herder wrote it down, so it must be true.

Continue reading “Qatar’s bestselling book is ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’”

Footballer who has never seen Fawlty Towers escapes punishment

Footballer appearing to summon a waiter

A Social Media storm erupted after it emerged that a Professional Footballer did not know what ‘Fawlty Towers’ was. The incident happened when the Crystal Palace goalkeeper inadvertently mocked Basil Fawlty, the hapless hero of the cult TV series, Fawlty Towers.

The matter has been referred to the Football Association disciplinary panel.
Continue reading “Footballer who has never seen Fawlty Towers escapes punishment”

Air travellers to have compulsory intelligence tests

Intelligence Test for travellers

Air travellers are to be subjected to compulsory intelligence tests following an increase in passengers unable to understand concepts such as ‘one’ and ‘shut the fuck up’.

Ladies will be asked to choose from a number of pictures showing passengers with different quantities of cabin bags. Only those correctly identifying ‘one’ bag will be allowed to purchase tickets. Continue reading “Air travellers to have compulsory intelligence tests”

Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God

French firemen did nothing prayers saved the day

The fire at Notre Dame cathedral would have engulfed the whole of Paris if it hadn’t been for the millions of prayers offered up to God, says the leading Catholic deity.

Hundreds of firefighters who risked life and limb throughout the night to douse the flames will be relieved to know that their efforts were pointless, as he could have extinguished the fire any time he liked, said God at a post-conflagration press conference. “Yeah that was definitely me,” he said. “The angels said they were getting all these prayers asking me to stop the fire destroying one of my houses, so I took immediate action and put the blaze out about eight hours later. I could have razed the city to the ground if I’d felt like it, but I guess I’m just munificent like that.”  Continue reading “Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God”

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