Frustrated housewife buried under an avalanche of empty toilet roll tubes

Near fatal toilet roll accident

A south London woman has been found safe and well, though slightly seething, after being reported missing by her husband. 

Fears for Gillian Napton grew, when her husband Ian discovered the Sunday roast had failed to emerge at it’s usual time, post golf game. 

Reliving the ordeal, Ian Napton told us, ‘Alarm bells rang, once I got home, arguably a tad late, to radio silence and an empty oven.’ 

Explaining further, Napton revealed he couldn’t gain access to the bathroom but was unperturbed, as ‘this is commonplace, living with teenagers.’ 

Unfortunately, Ian’s wife Gillian, was subsequently discovered by the police unharmed, beneath an avalanche of empty cardboard toilet roll tubes. 

Speaking passionately to us, Gillian disclosed that she was waging ‘a one woman war’, on being the only person to remove the tubes from the bathroom. Through defiance, she had subsequently begun to fashion ‘an abstract sculpture’ with the offending articles, which had ultimately toppled on her, Jenga style, at the weekend. 

Despite suffering from mild dehydration and extreme irritation, Gillian vowed to continue her mission. 

Scientists begin search for Australia’s missing backbone

Scientists and Doctors working at Credulous College have begun an extensive search for the long-lost Australian Spine.

Once upon a time the Australians were famous for their backbone. It provided strength and certainty in difficult times. Its absence was first noted when their cricket team turned in some woeful performances, for example failing to bowl out Alistair Cook.

This led to some light-hearted chants, such as “Are you England in disguise?” Of course, the England fans had no reason to believe this state of affairs would last long. Surely, the Australians would rediscover their backbone and return to thumping England all over the place.

Are you England in disguise?

RIP – Boris ‘Bozo’ Johnson the best PM we never had

Boris beaten off

Sadly, Bozo Johnson has suddenly died. Details are sketchy but it appears he suffered an unfortunate accident with a mashie-niblick, after his best friend unexpectedly returned from golf. The lady of the house was unharmed.

Due to become Prime Minister, the untimely death of the noted scamp, womaniser and disingenuous motherfucker has deprived the country of one of the best leaders we never had.

Continue reading “RIP – Boris ‘Bozo’ Johnson the best PM we never had”

RIP Jeremy Chunt – The man who beat off strong competition to become the most hated Tory MP

Jeremy Chunt

We are sad to report the untimely demise of controversial politician and fearless Health Service champion, Jeremy Chunt.

His outstanding political achievement was, as Health Secretary, becoming Britain’s most disliked politician. The value of this award shouldn’t be underestimated given the competition, within the Tory Government, for this top honour.

Many in the media had difficulty in correctly pronouncing his unusual surname, although Jim Naughtie and Justin Webb on Radio 4, famously, managed to get it right.

Continue reading “RIP Jeremy Chunt – The man who beat off strong competition to become the most hated Tory MP”

Ambassador offended at being called stupid by idiot

The only man to tell even a shred of truth in the modern political world has resigned.

Sir Kim Darroch, formerly the UK’s Ambassador in Washington, had reported back to the Foreign Office that the Trump White House might never be seen as competent, confirming the views of about seven billion casual observers, but due to this confidential report being leaked, he was forced to resign. 

He called me what?
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