‘Keep the statues’ says the blonde balloon.

Human potato and walking metaphor for everything wrong with Britain today, Boris Johnson (soon to be known exclusively as BJ as part of a jazzy rebrand), has criticised the decision to remove a statue in Oxford dedicated to all-round top geezer Cecil “we are the first race in the world” Rhodes.

Don’t worry, it will be all white in the morning

Attempts to organise a piss-up in a brewery on hold

Education Secretary and human by pure technicality, Gavin Williamson, has today announced that his latest side project, attempting to organise a piss-up in a brewery, has been shelved indefinitely after a series of high-profile clangers resulted in multiple deaths. 

Part organiser, Gavin Williamson

Williamson, attempting to raise morale amongst no-one in particular, had organised the event entirely on his own back without telling anyone.

Having procured the agreement of the brewery owners, Williamson then attempted to ‘pour himself a pint’ from the brewery’s reserves of 8,000 barrels of beer, however having failed on his first attempt to use a glass, he then proceeded to piss himself, cause a small fire and drown several members of staff in a vat.

Williamson has apologised to families of those who have suffered bereavement and, along with blonde potato Boris Johnson, has set up a fund for those affected by the catastrophe, which is set to offer those families remuneration in the form of cars they already own and income that is already legally theirs. A spokesperson for one of these families responded by saying, “But we already had that money, it’s ours” to which Boris Johnson merely cackled oafishly and stuck an original King James Bible up his arse.

Williamson could not be reached for comment, though a member of his support staff did promise that they were planning on teaching him how to turn his iPad on, just as soon as they’d dealt with the thorny topic of which is arse and which is elbow.

Do you fancy writing for the 83rd Best Satire Site on the Internet?

Think you can write a better story? Why not give it a go? Send your fantastical tale to submissions@chattychimp.co

We look forward to hearing from you.

This is weapons-grade shithousery

Piers Morgan injures himself by falling off his High Horse

Viewers noticed a blessed silence when they tuned in to Good Morning Britain, as Piers Morgan was surprisingly absent.

The accident happened as Piers was sitting astride his High Horse. In good form, he was telling everyone why they were wrong about everything, and reminding them of how brilliant he is when suddenly, his horse bolted.

Piers takes a few days off to allow his arse to recover

Union Jack painted upside-down on BJ’s new plane

The liberal elite took to social media, to ridicule the Prime Minister’s decision to spend £900,000 painting a flag on the tail fin of his aeroplane. Unfortunately for Mr Johnson, the Union Jack appears to have been painted upside down.

I know its something to do with a fat white line, says Gove.
What do you mean, it’s not the right way up?

Government supporters were quick to rebut allegations of more ministerial incompetence.

Upside-down Union Jack is a cry for help, someeone save us!